UNC vs. JMU: What They Didn’t Want You To Know

It’s far too easy to look at a box score. Sure, last Saturday’s box score says that UNC dominated their game against a 1-AA opponent (a 37-14 win). But there was so much more to that game than the statistics, or even what we saw on the field. To see what factors truly belie each game, each team, and each season, one must look beyond the playing field, into the “facts”* that “they”** don’t want you to know. Take these “facts” from UNC’s season opener, for example:

  • John Shoop’s offense scored more points in this game than during his entire tenure as coordinator for the Oakland Raiders. Seriously.***
  • Instead of chemotherapy, Butch Davis has been intravenously given extra strength Red Bull since training camp began, unbeknown to even Davis himself. His resulting fits of rage have made the Tar Heels play better ever since, as players now fear making a big mistake and drawing his “therapy-induced” ire.
  • Coach Davis’ plan to boost UNC’s athletic budget by nearly 50% by charging $3.50 per bottle of Dasani at Kenan Stadium is working almost perfectly after game 1. He will use the money to bling out the locker room, making potential recruits think that “Chapel Hill is the shiznit.”
  • Speaking of Kenan Stadium, it looked very impressive on Saturday when all 60,00 seats were full. But the reality is that the crowd composed of 30,000 fans and their evil parallel universe selves, brought to Chapel Hill via a wormhole in the campus Physics lab. What, you think our $2 billion endowment goes to curing cancer? Pffffft.
  • Defensive tackle Marvin Austin put on the Freshman 15 during the pregame lunch. Once he’s on the field, his speed off the snap is the result of, um, shall we say, “gas propulsion”.


“Heh heh, all y’all gon’ smell dat.”

  • Our defensive coordinator was chosen because he knows the secret to removing the bizarre and previously unknown chemical that magically repelled footballs from the hands of wide receivers and defensive backs during the John Bunting era.
  • The main reason that quarterbacks Cam Sexton and Joe Dailey threw so many interceptions in 2006, especially in the red zone, is because they were constantly distracted by the Carolina girls in the stands. T.J. Yates has no such problem. No, he’s a chubby chaser.
  • In a related story, Cam Sexton is expected to start when the Tar Heels travel to Raleigh to play N.C. State.
  • In another related story, after a case of mistaken identity, Marvin Austin refuses to use the showers in the Kenan Stadium locker room ever again.
  • You might believe that James Madison was an inferior opponent, and UNC fans shouldn’t get their hopes up. What you don’t know is that aliens secretly replaced the Dukes with the 2004 USC Trojans, considered to be one of the great all-time teams in college football. We went on to beat them 37-14. By circular reasoning, after only one game under coach Davis, the 2007 Tar Heels are already the greatest college football team in the history of the world. Ever.

So there’s a lot more to be taken from this game than just the stats. You just need to know where to look.


*None of these “facts” have been proved. But hey, they haven’t been disproved, either.

**I don’t know who “they” are, but they’re there, all right.

***Insanely, this one is true. In 6 games as the offensive coordinator for Oakland in 2006, the Raiders scored 35 points. The Tar Heels scored 37 on Saturday.