The Nightmare After Christmas

Programming note: You damn right we’re live-blogging the Car Care Bowl. Stop by on Saturday afternoon for that. In leiu of bowl analysis, I will provide you with a fake story. If you’ve read this blog before, it’s probably what you would have preferred anyway. Enjoy.

December 27, 9:45 am. West Virginia coach Bill Stewart addresses his team at breakfast before they leave for Bank of America Stadium.

Bill Stewart: And one more thing before we head onto that field, men. We may not have accomplished what we wanted to this year, but dammit if we didn’t give our full effort!

Pat White: (is pumped)

Noel Devine: (plays Wii in the back corner)

Bill Stewart: Now, we’ve got a good opponent today in North Carolina. They’re going to be fierce today. But they won’t be as intense as us, and I know why.

Noel Devine: (reaches level 5 on whatever the hell he’s playing)

Bill Stewart: Because this game…is about honor. Guys like Pat have spent the last four years playing their hearts out and representing this university better than I possibly could. When this game is over, could you really look at our seniors in the face, after their final game in uniform, knowing that you gave anything less than your very best?

Everyone: (silence, nodding)

Bill Stewart: Of course not. This game is about them, the seniors. Let them end their time here on a high note. Now let’s go out there and have some fun!

Team: WHOOOOOOOO (rushes out of hotel conference room)

Noel Devine: (takes attention off Wii) Where’ed everybody go, coach?

Bill Stewart: Darn it.

————–

Later, in the coaches “bus”…

Bill Stewart: Gosh, Ed. These boys are gonna win today. I can feel it.

Ed Pastilong, WVU AD: Yeah, yeah.

Bill Stewart: By the way, I like your idea of putting the coaches and players on seperate buses to the team can collect their thoughts ‘fore the game.

Ed: Thank you, Bill.

Bill Stewart: I have just one, question, though.

Ed: Go ahead.

Bill Stewart: Why are we in an unmarked black van?

Ed: Umm…we’re saving gas?

Bill Stewart: Works for me.

Ed: Good.

Bill Stewart: Hey, the bus is going that way.

Ed: I know, I know. But we’re going THIS way.

Bill Stewart: Why?

Ed: Because the coaches and players arrive at different parts of the stadium.

Bill Stewart: But they’re headed away from Charlotte.

Ed: They probably just decided to get a pregame snack.

Bill Stewart: Oh.

Bill Stewart: Say, aren’t those the Tar Heels?

Ed: Yep.

Bill Stewart: So are we goin’ to say hi?

Ed: Yep.

Bill Stewart: That was a pretty ominous yep.

Ed: Where’d you learn a word like “ominous”?

Bill Stewart: I work at a university. Heck if I know what it means, though.

Ed: Oh. Anyway, your old coach Dick Crum is here to greet you.

Bill Stewart: Oh hey! I’ll go out and meet him!

Ed: Yeah. You do that.

Butch Davis: (talking to Everett Withers): and whatever you do, fix the prevent–

Ed: Hey Coach Davis! Can yhou come over here for a second!

Butch: No way! I don’t trust you, shady guy driving that unmarked van.

Ed: (Holds cartoonishly huge sack of money)

Butch: You’ve just earned my trust. (walks up to van)

Four burly arms come out of the van and grab coach Davis

Butch: What the fu–(is dragged into van)

Ed: GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO

The van speeds off to the interstate, never to be seen again.

Dick Baddour: (noticing the ruckus) What just happened?

BillStewart: Aw, well shucks, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Baddour. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it looks like you’ve got a coaching vacancy.

Dick Baddour: WHAT?!?

Bill Stewart: Yeah, they just drove off with Mr. Davis and, well, I was wondering if you were interested in giving me the job.

John Blake: THE HELL YOU ARE I’M A STONE COLD FREAK AND I GOT DIBS ON HIS DAMN SEAT FOOL

BIll Stewart: Now, that’s not very nice.

John Blake: WHATCHA GON DO BOUT IT FOOL

Random NC State fan passing by: IN YOUR FACE 41-10 41-10 41-10 STATE CHAMPIONSHIP AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (does that stupid wolf thing with his hands)

Dick Baddour: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Dick Baddour: (wakes up, panting heavily) Oh…oh my God. Thank the Lord. Just a bad dream.

(phone rings)

Dick Baddour: Hello?

Hi, this is Jay Jacobs. It looks like Chizik’s gonna get run out of town after goin’ 4-8 next season, and in 2009 it’s pretty much down to your guy or Muschamp to save my job. Just though you should know. (hangs up)

Can’t ANYONE let this program win 8-9 games a year in peace?

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