Forget the stats. Forget the past results. Here are a few facts* that will really decides Butch Davis’ road opener against East Carolina:
- Since being hired to ECU, Skip Holtz (son of Lou Holtz) has really taken this whole “pirate” thing to a new level. Combine that with a hereditary speech impediment and the only thing he can say these days is “ARRRRRGH!”.
Yes, that is parrot poo on his shoulder.
- This makes the playbook very confusing; every play is “Arrrrgh.” The only way to tell plays apart in the huddle is by the length of the R. For example, a “Power I triple option right” is “Argh”, while a shotgun wide receiver screen is “Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.” Expect the UNC defensive line to pick up on that quickly.
- The ECU defense is anchored by former UNC “mutineers” Khalif Mitchell and Marcus Hands, allowed only one offensive touchdown in their opener at Virginia Tech. Sure, Mitchell may be a talented defensive lineman who could be suiting up for us right now. But can you look me straight in the eye and say that he won’t lose to Marvin Austin in an eating contest? I think not.
- To guarantee that the refs will keep the game fair, all of Pitt County has banned the sale of burritos for the next 72 hours. That way, neither team will be subjected to this and have a player collapse in the middle of a kick return.
- Greenville, NC is the BMX capital of the world, where the likes of Dave Mirra and Ryan Nyquist have taken residence. This will become the ultimate home field advantage for the Pirates, who play every second half this season on a Big Air Ramp.
- By the time we’ve left Greeenville, ECU will look like a hurricane hit the place.**
Subtropical Storm? C’mon man, why do have to downplay everything?
So when Patrick Pinkney slides 70 yards for a touchdown only to break 20 bones in the ensuing celebration, you, the smart fan, will know exactly what’s going on.
*These “facts” haven’t been proved, but they haven’t been disproved, either.
**There’s a pretty good chance that Gabrielle is going to pass through Greenville this weekend. Seriously.