What’d I Miss?

So sometime after January I had a Butterfinger milkshake at Sutton’s and all of a sudden I notice it tastes funny. I get a little sleepy, and I put my head on the counter. Next thing I know, I’m in my bed, I can’t find my wallet and the leaves on the trees are the size of ceiling fans.

So…what’d I miss?

Oh. That. Well, that looks, uh…pretty important. Everyone looks really, really happy about UNC winning its fifth NCAA Championship and sixth national title. Everyone except the shadowy face of Deon Thompson, who looks like a mummy intent on tasting Roy Williams’ brains. Or maybe he wants to, you know, hold the trophy. You can never be sure of these things.

What can I say, really, about this team that hasn’t already been said by everyone else? How a team as good as this year’s Heels can be considered inconsistent is insane, but after the Michigan State game in December the expectations were higher than I have ever seen at Carolina, save the 1997-98 team. Fortunately, Ty Lawson is a better defender than Ed Cota, and there was no Utah standing in the way this time.

As dangerous as it may be to take any basketball game for granted, every Heels fan, from August on, felt that only six games mattered this past season. Once the NCAA Tournament started, it started to look like the team felt much the same way. They turned on a switch and consistently showed a level of focus that they had  for maybe 35% to 40% of the regular season. This year’s Heels are one of the few teams in basketball that can really afford to do that, as Roy’s recruiting has torn the rest of the ACC to shreds.

The regular season, as successful as it was, bore no resemblance to the Heels’ dominant postseason performance. Ultimately, the latter is what will be remembered.

On that note, Tar Heel Mania will soon return to regular football and baseball posting.

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Are You Prepared To Live In A World…

…where UNC and Duke have the ACC’s two best offensive attacks?

Heading into October, this is a distinct possibility. In a conference which is, to put it kindly, offensively challenged, the Tar Heels and Blue Devils currently sit at 2nd and 3rd in ACC in points per game (31.0 and 30.8 ppg, respectively). Sure, Florida State is ahead of them, but they collected 115 of their 157 points against FCS opponents with a combined 5 wins in 2007. Let us simply revel in this oddity, though, and not get too far into semantics.

Both team shave their fair share of weapons. Duke’s Thad Lewis to Eron Riley might be the most underrated quarterback/receiver combination in the country. For UNC, Hakeem Nicks, Brandon Tate, and Brooks Foster have made things a bot easier for whomever has lined up under center.

What makes the stat so peculiar, however, is the lack of a running game from either team. The Blue Devils have score a combined 72 points against Navy and Virginia (!!!) despite amassing a grand total of 162 yards rushing (78 and 84). Carolina defeated Miami on the road despite 35 yards on the ground, although a closer look at the stats show a solid 3 yard/carry performance by the tailbacks.

So what has been the secret? Forcing turnovers. In each team’s two respective victories against FBS opponents, UNC and Duke have a turnover margin of +6, a combined 14 takeaways and only two giveaways.

So, are you truly, zombies-are-attacking-ohmygod-run ready for prolific ACC offenses from Chapel Hill and Durham in the coming years? Because the future may be sooner than you think.

“Ultimate Duke House” Under Construction

It appears Duke basketball will finally be rewarded for their success with a house that they can call their own.

It was revealed this week by coach Mike Krzyzewski and President Richard Broadhead that upperclassmen from the Duke University basketball team will now live in an off-campus house to increase camaraderie and security for the players, secluded from on-campus fans. Already dubbed “the Ultimate Duke House” by students, the house (pictured below) will have five bedrooms, where seniors will have individual bedrooms and any extra juniors will share rooms. Walk-on upperclassmen will sleep on the couch. The house is expected to be complete by the fall semester.

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Here’s what some in the world of college basketball, mostly current and former Duke players, had to say about the Duke House…

Mike Krzyzewski: “This is a milestone for our program. Finally, a place where I can visit, hang out informally with my players, invite recruits, have Wojo over and I don’t have to worry about the wife spy–um, I think I’ve said too much.”

Johnny Dawkins: “The inspiration for this house was the pink locker rooms at the University of Iowa. There’s some Hayden Fry reverse psychology s— goin’ on up in here.”

Gerald Henderson: You see that? You see that s—? That’s why I committed to Duke.

Josh McRoberts: You see that? You see that s—? That’s why I declared for the NBA.

Kyle Singler: Must…feast…on…blood…and…flesh…of…the…living…

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Dick Vitale: (genitalia explodes from sheer joy)

Jon Scheyer: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

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Christian Laettner: “Ya wanna battle, bitch? You little street news reporter? Let’s battle, ‘cuz I battle any sex or any race, you beating me is like Billy Crystal playing Scarface! I can’t see it, I’m blind to the eyes, I came up in your face OOPS POW SURPRISE! OHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

Cherokee Parks: “Is that all you got, fool? It is so ON. gimme the mic! Church. Tabernacle. Titty one, titty two. Prophet Eli. My mental gymnastics will flip you, like an Aunt Jemima flapjack. Now how ’bout that?”

Prince: (playing basketball) “Good. (swish) In your face, Christian Laettner.” (drives lane uncontested, dunks) “Game…blouses.”

Greg Paulus: (falls down, reporter is charged with an offensive foul)

J.J. Redick:

Wojo: This is architectural masterpiece! ARE YOU LISTENING?!?! QUIT CRYING AND LISTEN TO ME! (slaps the floor) ASIDE FROM ME, THIS IS THE GREATEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN IN THE HISTORY OF THIS PROGRAM. EVER.

McRoberts: (sobs uncontrollably in towel)

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Sidney Lowe: Not bad, but it could use a little shag carpeting. And chrome window frames. And females. Lots and lots of females.

Scheyer: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

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Roy Williams: “Wow…I didn’t think that a basketball team could feel so…pretty…hahahahahah…. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (breathes deeply) HAAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh God! Make it sta-ha-hop! HAHAhahahahah haa….ha…..haaaaa. I’m very happy for Duke and their upperclassmen. They deserve this wonderfuhlahahahah HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHH!

“Ummmmm…you’ve got this off the record, right? No? Crap.”

Tyler Hansbrough: Mi mimimi mi mimimimiMI…mimimi.

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We Apologize For That Distraction

We now return to your regularly scheduled making fun of Duke, already in progress.

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NC State Wrestlers are Friendly

The following picture of Wolfpack wrestler Darrion Caldwell was on the front page of GoPack.com (second story). Context is overrated.

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Don’t Let The Football Team Distract You: Our Doom is Imminent

So our football team lost again, defense was good, turnovers killed us for the third time, 1-4, rebuilding year, blah, blah, blah. The Tar Heels have a REAL crisis, people! The UNC women’s soccer team, perhaps the greatest dynasty in all of college sports, is on pace to have the worst season in their history. They’re getting shots out of the wazoo, but they can’t get a goal to save their souls. This week it resulted in their third loss of the season and only their seventh ACC loss ever, a 1-0 loss to Miami. Everything we know is at an end. RUN!

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Just So You Know…

This is the quarterback that our defense has to face on Saturday. Matt Grothe is the 20006 Big East Freshman of the year, threw for 15 touchdowns, and is perhaps USF’s most athletic player regardless of position. He can do this:

And this:

UNC’s defense is in for their biggest challenge yet. Tune in for the live blog at noon Saturday.