What’d I Miss?

So sometime after January I had a Butterfinger milkshake at Sutton’s and all of a sudden I notice it tastes funny. I get a little sleepy, and I put my head on the counter. Next thing I know, I’m in my bed, I can’t find my wallet and the leaves on the trees are the size of ceiling fans.

So…what’d I miss?

Oh. That. Well, that looks, uh…pretty important. Everyone looks really, really happy about UNC winning its fifth NCAA Championship and sixth national title. Everyone except the shadowy face of Deon Thompson, who looks like a mummy intent on tasting Roy Williams’ brains. Or maybe he wants to, you know, hold the trophy. You can never be sure of these things.

What can I say, really, about this team that hasn’t already been said by everyone else? How a team as good as this year’s Heels can be considered inconsistent is insane, but after the Michigan State game in December the expectations were higher than I have ever seen at Carolina, save the 1997-98 team. Fortunately, Ty Lawson is a better defender than Ed Cota, and there was no Utah standing in the way this time.

As dangerous as it may be to take any basketball game for granted, every Heels fan, from August on, felt that only six games mattered this past season. Once the NCAA Tournament started, it started to look like the team felt much the same way. They turned on a switch and consistently showed a level of focus that they had  for maybe 35% to 40% of the regular season. This year’s Heels are one of the few teams in basketball that can really afford to do that, as Roy’s recruiting has torn the rest of the ACC to shreds.

The regular season, as successful as it was, bore no resemblance to the Heels’ dominant postseason performance. Ultimately, the latter is what will be remembered.

On that note, Tar Heel Mania will soon return to regular football and baseball posting.

Are You Prepared To Live In A World…

…where UNC and Duke have the ACC’s two best offensive attacks?

Heading into October, this is a distinct possibility. In a conference which is, to put it kindly, offensively challenged, the Tar Heels and Blue Devils currently sit at 2nd and 3rd in ACC in points per game (31.0 and 30.8 ppg, respectively). Sure, Florida State is ahead of them, but they collected 115 of their 157 points against FCS opponents with a combined 5 wins in 2007. Let us simply revel in this oddity, though, and not get too far into semantics.

Both team shave their fair share of weapons. Duke’s Thad Lewis to Eron Riley might be the most underrated quarterback/receiver combination in the country. For UNC, Hakeem Nicks, Brandon Tate, and Brooks Foster have made things a bot easier for whomever has lined up under center.

What makes the stat so peculiar, however, is the lack of a running game from either team. The Blue Devils have score a combined 72 points against Navy and Virginia (!!!) despite amassing a grand total of 162 yards rushing (78 and 84). Carolina defeated Miami on the road despite 35 yards on the ground, although a closer look at the stats show a solid 3 yard/carry performance by the tailbacks.

So what has been the secret? Forcing turnovers. In each team’s two respective victories against FBS opponents, UNC and Duke have a turnover margin of +6, a combined 14 takeaways and only two giveaways.

So, are you truly, zombies-are-attacking-ohmygod-run ready for prolific ACC offenses from Chapel Hill and Durham in the coming years? Because the future may be sooner than you think.

“Ultimate Duke House” Under Construction

It appears Duke basketball will finally be rewarded for their success with a house that they can call their own.

It was revealed this week by coach Mike Krzyzewski and President Richard Broadhead that upperclassmen from the Duke University basketball team will now live in an off-campus house to increase camaraderie and security for the players, secluded from on-campus fans. Already dubbed “the Ultimate Duke House” by students, the house (pictured below) will have five bedrooms, where seniors will have individual bedrooms and any extra juniors will share rooms. Walk-on upperclassmen will sleep on the couch. The house is expected to be complete by the fall semester.

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Here’s what some in the world of college basketball, mostly current and former Duke players, had to say about the Duke House…

Mike Krzyzewski: “This is a milestone for our program. Finally, a place where I can visit, hang out informally with my players, invite recruits, have Wojo over and I don’t have to worry about the wife spy–um, I think I’ve said too much.”

Johnny Dawkins: “The inspiration for this house was the pink locker rooms at the University of Iowa. There’s some Hayden Fry reverse psychology s— goin’ on up in here.”

Gerald Henderson: You see that? You see that s—? That’s why I committed to Duke.

Josh McRoberts: You see that? You see that s—? That’s why I declared for the NBA.

Kyle Singler: Must…feast…on…blood…and…flesh…of…the…living…

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Dick Vitale: (genitalia explodes from sheer joy)

Jon Scheyer: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

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Christian Laettner: “Ya wanna battle, bitch? You little street news reporter? Let’s battle, ‘cuz I battle any sex or any race, you beating me is like Billy Crystal playing Scarface! I can’t see it, I’m blind to the eyes, I came up in your face OOPS POW SURPRISE! OHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

Cherokee Parks: “Is that all you got, fool? It is so ON. gimme the mic! Church. Tabernacle. Titty one, titty two. Prophet Eli. My mental gymnastics will flip you, like an Aunt Jemima flapjack. Now how ’bout that?”

Prince: (playing basketball) “Good. (swish) In your face, Christian Laettner.” (drives lane uncontested, dunks) “Game…blouses.”

Greg Paulus: (falls down, reporter is charged with an offensive foul)

J.J. Redick:

Wojo: This is architectural masterpiece! ARE YOU LISTENING?!?! QUIT CRYING AND LISTEN TO ME! (slaps the floor) ASIDE FROM ME, THIS IS THE GREATEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN IN THE HISTORY OF THIS PROGRAM. EVER.

McRoberts: (sobs uncontrollably in towel)

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Sidney Lowe: Not bad, but it could use a little shag carpeting. And chrome window frames. And females. Lots and lots of females.

Scheyer: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

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Roy Williams: “Wow…I didn’t think that a basketball team could feel so…pretty…hahahahahah…. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (breathes deeply) HAAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh God! Make it sta-ha-hop! HAHAhahahahah haa….ha…..haaaaa. I’m very happy for Duke and their upperclassmen. They deserve this wonderfuhlahahahah HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHH!

“Ummmmm…you’ve got this off the record, right? No? Crap.”

Tyler Hansbrough: Mi mimimi mi mimimimiMI…mimimi.

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We Apologize For That Distraction

We now return to your regularly scheduled making fun of Duke, already in progress.

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NC State Wrestlers are Friendly

The following picture of Wolfpack wrestler Darrion Caldwell was on the front page of GoPack.com (second story). Context is overrated.

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Don’t Let The Football Team Distract You: Our Doom is Imminent

So our football team lost again, defense was good, turnovers killed us for the third time, 1-4, rebuilding year, blah, blah, blah. The Tar Heels have a REAL crisis, people! The UNC women’s soccer team, perhaps the greatest dynasty in all of college sports, is on pace to have the worst season in their history. They’re getting shots out of the wazoo, but they can’t get a goal to save their souls. This week it resulted in their third loss of the season and only their seventh ACC loss ever, a 1-0 loss to Miami. Everything we know is at an end. RUN!

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Just So You Know…

This is the quarterback that our defense has to face on Saturday. Matt Grothe is the 20006 Big East Freshman of the year, threw for 15 touchdowns, and is perhaps USF’s most athletic player regardless of position. He can do this:

And this:

UNC’s defense is in for their biggest challenge yet. Tune in for the live blog at noon Saturday.

UNC vs. Virginia Live Blog

Today the Tar Heels open their ACC schedule hosting the Virginia Cavaliers. It’s very important for the Tar Heels to win this game, as they face four very tough opponents in the next four weeks. As for Virginia, Al Groh is already in trouble after a 5-7 season and an ugly start to 2007. A big loss to UNC could really hurt his chances of staying at UVA.

12:07 pm: Good to see Kenan Stadium at capacity just before kickoff.

12:10 pm: 30 seconds after the Apache helicopters flew over Kenan Stadium, they flew over my house. That was cool.

12:11 pm: The game is underway. UNC gets the ball, and Brandon Tate takes the kickoff to the 30 yard line.

12:12 pm: Virginia is running a 3-4 defense. Yates’ first pass is incomplete, and Johnny White takes the carry for four yards on second down. 3rd and 6.

12:13 pm: Yates pass is deflected at the line by Chris Long, and UNC is forced to punt. Great awareness by Long on that play.

12:14 pm: On UVA’s first play from scrimmage, Cedric Peerman runs through an open hole in the middle for 15 yards. I hope that the D-line doesn’t get embarrassed like that for the entire game.

12:17 pm: The Cavs convert on 3rd and 4, as Sewell is able to step up and fire a bullet to a receiver in the flat. We need to put more pressure on the QB. Already, Virginia is past midfield.

12:18 pm: Big mistake on Virginia’s part. A delay of game turns a 3rd and 6 into a third and 11.

12:20 pm: Peerman runs the draw on 3rd and long…and he gets the first down? terrible mistake on the defense’s part. the D-line got absolutely dominated on that play.

12:21 pm: Again the Cavs are forced into a third and long, again Sewell dumps it off to Peerman, and again the UNC defense gives him WAY too much room. First and goal at the 8.

12:22 pm: TOUCHDOWN! Peerman gets some nice blocks, and gets into the endzone with relative ease. Virginia leads 7-0 with 8:46 in the first quarter.

12:27 pm: UNC’s second possession isn’t going any better than the first. Yates fumbles the snap on first down, gets sacked on second down, and sacked on third down. Chris Long gets the sack to force 4th down. 3 plays, -10 yards.

12:29 pm: Terrance Brown has to punt again. After averaging over 50 yards per punt, both his punts today have been in the upper 30s. Virginia will get the ball in UNC territory, and this game is beginning to look like a few of the bad games the Heels had in 2006. Virginia is very much in control early.

12:32 pm: Peerman runs 17 yards to the 29 yard line, for another big first down. The Heels need to do something to stop the run; they’re letting the Cavs offensive line dictate this game.

12:33 pm: So far, the big thing that Virginia is doing wrong is committing bad penalties at wrong times. after a loss on first down, a big run by Pearman is negated by an illegal procedure.

12:35 pm: Jameel Sewell is forced into pass situation,s and after a near interception on third down, the Cavs settle for 50-yard field goal attempt. Chris Gould manages to hit the kick, and Virginia takes a 10-0 lead.

12:40 pm: What a catch by Tate! Yates is under pressure, throws the ball to the right, as Tate knocks the ball in the air before making a diving catch. Suddenly the Tar heels are is business at the UVA 49.

12:42 pm: Johnny White rushes for 6 yards on first down, but his next two rushes fall short of the first down. I’m not a big fan of that playcalling.

12;43 pm: What I am a fan of is UNC going for it on 4th and 1 at the 40 yard line. T. J. Yates takes the ball and sneaks it. Carolina gets the first down, but barely.

The first quarter ends. UNC is driving, but they’re already down 10-0. T.J. Yates has completed one pass so far; this has to change.

12:46 pm: NO! Just when it looks like we have some offensive momentum, Johnny Whites fumbles the ball on a big hit, and Virginia recovers, ending the drive.

12:48 pm: Peerman is still getting yardage, but it looks like the defensive line is finally holding their ground and preventing big yardage.

12:49 pm: But on 3rd down, Tom Santi gets the pass on the flat and runs for the first down. The Cavs are 4/5 on third down today.

12:52 pm: Another huge run by Peerman, who breaks several arm tackles before being brought down at around the 11 yard line. Our run defense is very frustrating to watch right now.

12:54 pm: The cavs get another big holding penalty, this time in the red zone. Two unsuccessful plays leads to a 3rd and 16. Peerman takes the pass, but his run falls short, and Virginia has to setlle for a field goal.

Virginia leads 13-0 in the 2nd quarter, and The Heels are very lucky that it’s not 17-0. The Heels absolutely need to get the pass game going and get a score on this next drive.

12:58 pm: The Tar Heels have scored a lot of points in their first two games. I know this is their first big opponent, but it looks like UNC has suddenly gone conservative. We haven’t taken any risks at all, and the plays have been very predictable.

1:00 pm: Yates gets a nice run on the scramble to bring up third and short, but Chris Long deflects another pass and force another punt for UNC.

1:02 pm: Attention John Shoop: Your strength is the passing game; your weakness is the running game. Why has T.J. Yates only thrown three time through 19 minutes of play?

1:03 pm: Peter Lalich is in at QB for the Cavs.

1:05 pm: Another drive, another third down conversion for the Cavs, who are 4/6 in 3rd down today, including 3/3 on third and less than 10 yards.

1:06 pm: The defense continues to yield to the Cavs offense, who already have over 200 yard of offense (compared to 59 for the Heels).

1:09 pm: Kenan Stadium seems abnormally quiet right now. Granted, they haven’t had anything to cheer about, but I was hoping they’d be a little louder.

1:11 pm: The good news is that the UNC defense has been able to hold their ground in the red zone. The bad news is that they’ve been practically helpless for the first 80 yards of the field. 16-0, Virginia, with still quite a bit of time left in the first half. We need to get on the board before heading to the locker room. UNC needs to pass on first down.

1:14 pm: Finally. UNC throws on first down, and they get a huge reception by Brooks Foster. The Heels are already near midfield.

1:15 pm: Yates nearly throws an interception on the next play. Brandon Tate does a god job of breaking up the pick. White nice a decent rush, but it’s 3rd and 6.

1:16 pm: Yates’ pass is deflected on 3rd down, and UNC punts again. At least we know know we can still make some big pass plays, and and Virginia finally gets bad field position. Can the Heels’ defense finally leave the Cavs empty-handed?

1:20 pm: Thanks in part to a nice play by Mark Paschal, UNC finally forces Virginia to punt. Brandon Tate gets a nice return, but it’s negated by a block in the back. UNC has two minutes to get on the scoreboard before halftime.

1:21 pm: Yates throws three quick passes, gets two quick first downs, and in 27 seconds and three plays the Heels get from the UNC 24 to the Virginia 41 yard line.

1:24 pm: The Cavs bring huge pressure up the middle, and Yates has to get rid of it. Third down.

1:25 pm: Yates hits Brooks Foster up the middle and he gets to the 33 yard line for the first down.

1:26 pm: After a short gain, Hakeem Nicks receives a late hit from a Virginia player. This gets the Heels in the red zone for the first time in the game. Hakeem Nicks looks banged up though.

1:27 pm: Zach Pianalto gets the leaping catch, and UNC is inside the 10 with 51 seconds to go.

1:28 pm: T.J. Yates throws the ball right to a Virginia defensive back, and only Hakeem Nicks prevents the interception.

1:29 pm: Richie Rich gets the first down on the ground, but his next run goes nowhere. UNC takes their final timeout with 30 seconds left.

UPSET ALERT: Mississippi State 10, Auburn 0.

1:31 pm: TOUCHDOWN CAROLINA! Yates manages to fake out Chris Long, and he finds an open Hakeem Nicks in the end zone. Carolina finally gets on the board, trailing 16-7 just before halftime.

Senior center Scott Lenahan was hurt earlier in the game, and he might not come back.

1:34 pm: Virginia is content to take a kneel, and we’ve reached halftime. Virginia leads, 16-7 and has looked impressive on both sides of the ball today. I was disappointed in UNC’s performance for the fir 20 minutes of the game, but it looks like the Heels finally woke up and the end of the second quarter. They clamped down on defense, and the passing game has started to click again. They have the momentum going into the locker room, and they’re still very much in this game, But they’ll need to prove they can stop Cedric Peerman in the second half, and force the QBs to make some bad throws.

1:41 pm: Some halftime stats: Cedric Peerman has 98 yards and a touchdown on 14 carries. T. J. Yates was 7 of 9 for 53 yard and a touchdown on UNC’s final drive before halftime; before that drive, he was 2 of 7 for 42 yards.

1:56 pm: The lines to the restrooms and concession stands must be insufferable. Otherwise, there’s no excuse for the empty seats I’m seeing at the start of the second half (which were full at the start of the game, by the way).

1:59 pm: Jameel Sewell is flushed out of the pocket on third down, but he manages to juke his way to a first down.

2:00 pm: Another huge run by Peerman, and now he’s well over 100 yards rushing today.

2:01 pm: Hilee Taylor gets the sack and forces a fumble. Taylor can’t come up with ball, and Virginia recovers. It would have been a first down, but UNC is called for a late hit. I disagree with that call. The ball was fumbled, and they were trying to get to the ball. Still a UNC makes a very costly mistake; depending on what happens in the rest of this drive, that one mistake could be the one that costs us the game.

2:04 pm: After UNC’s costly penalty, the Cavaliers and their running game is driving down the field, already down to the 21 yard line. The Heels need to make a stop.

2:06 pm: Cedric Peerman gets another first down on the ground, and now the Cavs are inside the 15.

2:08 pm: When the UNC defense needed a stop, they stepped up big time. Two sacks, a loss of 16 yards, and fourth down at the 25.

2:09 pm: After a delay of game penalty, Chris Gould’s 47 yard kick falls short. The defense manages to leave Virginia empty handed, but not before the Cavs offense takes more than 8 minutes off the clock. Can our offense regain their momentum from the end of the first half?

2:12 pm: On replay, it looks like the field goal was good. The play is under review. I await the barrage of boos.

2:14 pm: Upon review, the field goal was good. Virginia leads, 19-7. Not good news for the Tar Heels, who already have to overcome the long break.

2:16 pm: In case you’re keeping score, it has been exactly 45 minutes of real time since the UNC offense has taken the field. They are ice cold right now. And it shows, as T. J. Yates’ first down pass is way, way short for Hakeem Nicks.

2:17 pm: Johnny White runs up the middle, and he gets 11 yards and a first down. Finally a nice gain on the ground.

2:18 pm: On 2nd down, Yates just barely gets off a dump to Bobby Rome. He’s ioen, but he drops the ball. A big mistake.

2:19 pm: What a play by Brooks Foster, who makes the catch for the first down, managing to kepp hold of the ball after being hit by two defensive backs.

2:20 pm: TOUCHDOWN CAROLINA! Hakeem Nicks makes a huge catch down the middle, and he makes the greatest run after the catch that I may have ever seen out of a Tar Heel. He jukes out two defenders, sprints to the left side, and fights his way through two tackles inside the 10 yard line. His effort pays of, as he gets the touchdown, the crowd goes absolutely insane, and Carolina gets back every ounce of momentum in this game. Virginia still leads 19-14, but suddenly they look like they may be on the ropes.

2:25 pm: Lalich comes back at QB for the Cavs. He is immediately welcomed back by E. J. Wilson and Durell Mapp, a sack for a 5 yard loss.

2:27 pm: Inman drops the pass on third down, and the Cavs go three and out. UNC will get the ball back and a chance to take the lead. The crowd, and the Heels, are definitely back in this game.

2:28 pm: An eight yard run by Johnny White to start the drive. Watch out for the play action.

2:29 pm: White gets the call again, and he gets the first down.

2:30 pm: A dangerous pass by Yates acroos the field (a defender could easily pick that off), but Pianalto gets the catch.

Pianalto makes the catch again, and the Tar Heels get another first down.

2:31 pm: Virginia brings the blitz on that play, and the screen goes nowhere. \

The third quarter is over, and Virginia leads 19-14, but UNC’s comeback has given them huge momentum going into the final period.

Yates is 14/23 for 168 yards and 2 touchdowns.

2:35 pm, 14:48 left: Yates delivers on another pass, this time to Brandon Tate for another first down.

2:36 pm, 14:03 left: INTERCEPTION! Chris Long times his jump perfectly, intercepts Yates’ pass in mid-air, and returns it inside the UNC 30. Virginia is back in some control of this game, thanks to a Julius Peppers-like play by Chris Long. Dammit!

2:38 pm, 12:32 left: After a holding penalty, Jameel Sewell fires a bullet for 18 yards and a first down. A decent run by Peerman brings the ball to the 13 yard line.

2:40 pm: UNC had that tackle, but Trimane Goddard gets nothing but air, and the Cavs get first and goal at the 8.

2:41 pm, 11:00 left: Another holding call against Virginia, and they have to go back to the 18.

2:42 pm, 9:55 left: That’s the 9th penalty for the Cavs. If UNC ends up winning this game, it will be at least in part because Virginia has left the door open with their mistakes.

2:44 pm, 8:56 left: Gould has to kick another field goal in the red zone. Virginia leads, 22-14. For the Tar Heels, a touchdown and two point conversion will now tie this ball game. Yates will have a chance to redeem himself after the Long interception.

2:47 pm: An inexcusable play for the Tar Heels on that play. They can;t field the ball at the 25-30 yard line, but the ball goes right past the coverage, and Greg Little fields it before being tackled at the 6. A false start pins them back to the 3.

2:49 pm, 8:25 left: A big pass by Yates to Brooks Foster, who takes the slant pass in stride and runs it to the 25.

2:50 pm, 8:08 left: Yates fires another quick pass to Foster, he makes a bunch of defensive backs miss, and he runs down the left sidelines all the way to the UVA 39 yard line.

2:51 pm, 7:04 left: NO! Pianalto makes the catch, but he fumbles the ball away to the Cavaliers. That was about the worst thing that could happen to the Heels. They’ were building some momentum on a huge drive, and they were about to score, and then they give the ball away. Turnovers have ruined 3 good drives today, and that will easily be the difference if the Heels lose this game. 3 turnovers by Carolina compared to no Virginia turnovers is inexcusable.

2:54 pm, 6:49 left: now the Heels need a big defensive stop. Any score, or the team running out the clock, would end any chances we have.

2:56 pm, 5:42 left: Sewell got nailed as he released the ball, but the receiver makes the big catch for a gain of 14 yards and a first down.

2:57 pm: Trimane Goddard is down. Hopefully he just got the wind knocked out of him.

2:59 pm, 4:45 left: SACK! Hilee Taylor gets credited for the sack, which puts the Cavs back at the 39. The sack is called because Sewell put the ball down.

3:00 pm, 3:35 left: Carolina forces the punt, and they take a timeout. They’ll get one last chance to get back in this game. Please God, no turnovers in this next drive.

3:06 pm, 3:15 left: The shovel pass gets a decent gain, but on second down Yates is very lucky not to have thrown the game away.

3:08 pm, 2:51 left: Yates makes a great pass to Hakeem Nicks, who fights his way to the 40 yard line.

3:09 pm, 2:37 left: Yates gets out of the pocket, and he makes a nice pass on the run to Zach Pianalto, and suddenly the heels are in UVA territory.

3:10 pm, 2:15 left: Nicks takes his catch to the 25 yard line, and Foster catches in stride and takes it to the 2 yard line. The Heels will have 2 minutes, two timeouts, and 4 chances to tie this game. Time for Anthony Elzy.

UNC’s receivers have done a great job of running after the catch, and Yates has done a great job of throwing the ball to the receivers in stride.

3;12, 1:55 left: TOUCHDOWN! Yates throws the TD on the play-action pass to Richard Quinn. UNC will now go for two to tie the game.

3:13: The Cavs bring pressure on the two-point attempt…and the pass is broken up! The D-line blocks yet another pass from Yates and the two-point attempt is no good. UVA leads, 22-20, and UNC will have to try the onside kick.

3:15 pm: Connor Barth, what the hell kind of onside kick was that? UNC had no chance of recovery and now the Heels must now get a 3 and out.

3:17 pm, 1:35 left: Peerman gets a nice gain, and the Cavs are only 2 yards away from sneaking a win out of this game.

3:19 pm: Both teams go all out for their team. Every UNC player tries to stop forward progress, and Alvin Pearman fights for the first down mark.

Virginia gets the first down, but by just inches. I think the Heels got a bad snap, but Virginia will get this win.

3:22 pm: The game is officially over, and Virginia holds on for the 22-20 win. Both teams had a lot of chances in this game. Carolina played their hearts out, but key turnovers in the fourth quarter stopped some great drives, and UNC probably would have won if not for those turnovers. Still, future is bright for this team. They’ve showed flashes of brilliance on both side of the ball; they just need to keep it together for 60 minutes.

Credit needs to be given to the officiating crew in this game. Several times they had to run the game without a working scoreboard, after the main scoreboard was struck by lightning yesterday, and they still did a pretty good job of refereeing the game.

UNC vs. JMU: What They Didn’t Want You To Know

It’s far too easy to look at a box score. Sure, last Saturday’s box score says that UNC dominated their game against a 1-AA opponent (a 37-14 win). But there was so much more to that game than the statistics, or even what we saw on the field. To see what factors truly belie each game, each team, and each season, one must look beyond the playing field, into the “facts”* that “they”** don’t want you to know. Take these “facts” from UNC’s season opener, for example:

  • John Shoop’s offense scored more points in this game than during his entire tenure as coordinator for the Oakland Raiders. Seriously.***
  • Instead of chemotherapy, Butch Davis has been intravenously given extra strength Red Bull since training camp began, unbeknown to even Davis himself. His resulting fits of rage have made the Tar Heels play better ever since, as players now fear making a big mistake and drawing his “therapy-induced” ire.
  • Coach Davis’ plan to boost UNC’s athletic budget by nearly 50% by charging $3.50 per bottle of Dasani at Kenan Stadium is working almost perfectly after game 1. He will use the money to bling out the locker room, making potential recruits think that “Chapel Hill is the shiznit.”
  • Speaking of Kenan Stadium, it looked very impressive on Saturday when all 60,00 seats were full. But the reality is that the crowd composed of 30,000 fans and their evil parallel universe selves, brought to Chapel Hill via a wormhole in the campus Physics lab. What, you think our $2 billion endowment goes to curing cancer? Pffffft.
  • Defensive tackle Marvin Austin put on the Freshman 15 during the pregame lunch. Once he’s on the field, his speed off the snap is the result of, um, shall we say, “gas propulsion”.

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“Heh heh, all y’all gon’ smell dat.”

  • Our defensive coordinator was chosen because he knows the secret to removing the bizarre and previously unknown chemical that magically repelled footballs from the hands of wide receivers and defensive backs during the John Bunting era.
  • The main reason that quarterbacks Cam Sexton and Joe Dailey threw so many interceptions in 2006, especially in the red zone, is because they were constantly distracted by the Carolina girls in the stands. T.J. Yates has no such problem. No, he’s a chubby chaser.
  • In a related story, Cam Sexton is expected to start when the Tar Heels travel to Raleigh to play N.C. State.
  • In another related story, after a case of mistaken identity, Marvin Austin refuses to use the showers in the Kenan Stadium locker room ever again.
  • You might believe that James Madison was an inferior opponent, and UNC fans shouldn’t get their hopes up. What you don’t know is that aliens secretly replaced the Dukes with the 2004 USC Trojans, considered to be one of the great all-time teams in college football. We went on to beat them 37-14. By circular reasoning, after only one game under coach Davis, the 2007 Tar Heels are already the greatest college football team in the history of the world. Ever.

So there’s a lot more to be taken from this game than just the stats. You just need to know where to look.

——————–

*None of these “facts” have been proved. But hey, they haven’t been disproved, either.

**I don’t know who “they” are, but they’re there, all right.

***Insanely, this one is true. In 6 games as the offensive coordinator for Oakland in 2006, the Raiders scored 35 points. The Tar Heels scored 37 on Saturday.

Tar Heels Won’t Be Getting Cooter Anytime Soon

Cooter Arnold, that is. The junior safety has been suspended from the football team indefinitely. Wait a minute…you didn’t think I meant…you have a sick, sick mind, you know that?

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 If only someone named Wang was somehow affiliated with this team. The joke possibilities would be endless.