From The Makers of ShamWow in Spanish…

It’s Slap Chop in Spanish! It was only a matter of time.

ODIAS hacer ensalaaaadaaassssss…

The Greatest Thing To Come Out of NC State Since The Krispy Kreme Race

Go ahead. Make my day. Just try and see what happens when you drive over 30 miles an hour in THIS work zone muahahahaaaa…

This is, quite possibly, the most nighmare inducing thing created by a NC State student in the cloak of night since (insert horrible zoophilia joke here).

It appears to be the work of one Joe Carnavale, a Wolpack junior who posted his work on No Promise of Safety. Of course, this epic statue of modern humanity was taken down less than 24 hours after it was placed in the street, and Carnavale is now being charged with property damage and larceny by Wake County DA Rectum Buzzkill*. But worry not, Carnavale: your sculpture is a testament to creativity and badassedness. I tip my hat no matter what university you attended, and I demand that a replica be made for every roadside construction site in America.

*Rectum Buzzkill is not the actual name of the Wake County District Attorney. But it’s not far off.

Coach K and the Blue Devils Team Address The Media About the Accusations of Flopping

 Photo from Mr. Tar Heel

“Ultimate Duke House” Under Construction

It appears Duke basketball will finally be rewarded for their success with a house that they can call their own.

It was revealed this week by coach Mike Krzyzewski and President Richard Broadhead that upperclassmen from the Duke University basketball team will now live in an off-campus house to increase camaraderie and security for the players, secluded from on-campus fans. Already dubbed “the Ultimate Duke House” by students, the house (pictured below) will have five bedrooms, where seniors will have individual bedrooms and any extra juniors will share rooms. Walk-on upperclassmen will sleep on the couch. The house is expected to be complete by the fall semester.

Here’s what some in the world of college basketball, mostly current and former Duke players, had to say about the Duke House…

Mike Krzyzewski: “This is a milestone for our program. Finally, a place where I can visit, hang out informally with my players, invite recruits, have Wojo over and I don’t have to worry about the wife spy–um, I think I’ve said too much.”

Johnny Dawkins: “The inspiration for this house was the pink locker rooms at the University of Iowa. There’s some Hayden Fry reverse psychology s— goin’ on up in here.”

Gerald Henderson: You see that? You see that s—? That’s why I committed to Duke.

Josh McRoberts: You see that? You see that s—? That’s why I declared for the NBA.

Kyle Singler: Must…feast…on…blood…and…flesh…of…the…living…

Dick Vitale: (genitalia explodes from sheer joy)

Jon Scheyer: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Christian Laettner: “Ya wanna battle, bitch? You little street news reporter? Let’s battle, ‘cuz I battle any sex or any race, you beating me is like Billy Crystal playing Scarface! I can’t see it, I’m blind to the eyes, I came up in your face OOPS POW SURPRISE! OHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

Cherokee Parks: “Is that all you got, fool? It is so ON. gimme the mic! Church. Tabernacle. Titty one, titty two. Prophet Eli. My mental gymnastics will flip you, like an Aunt Jemima flapjack. Now how ’bout that?”

Prince: (playing basketball) “Good. (swish) In your face, Christian Laettner.” (drives lane uncontested, dunks) “Game…blouses.”

Greg Paulus: (falls down, reporter is charged with an offensive foul)

J.J. Redick:

Wojo: This is architectural masterpiece! ARE YOU LISTENING?!?! QUIT CRYING AND LISTEN TO ME! (slaps the floor) ASIDE FROM ME, THIS IS THE GREATEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN IN THE HISTORY OF THIS PROGRAM. EVER.

McRoberts: (sobs uncontrollably in towel)

Sidney Lowe: Not bad, but it could use a little shag carpeting. And chrome window frames. And females. Lots and lots of females.

Scheyer: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Roy Williams: “Wow…I didn’t think that a basketball team could feel so…pretty…hahahahahah…. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (breathes deeply) HAAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh God! Make it sta-ha-hop! HAHAhahahahah haa….ha…..haaaaa. I’m very happy for Duke and their upperclassmen. They deserve this wonderfuhlahahahah HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHH!

“Ummmmm…you’ve got this off the record, right? No? Crap.”

Tyler Hansbrough: Mi mimimi mi mimimimiMI…mimimi.

NC State Wrestlers are Friendly

The following picture of Wolfpack wrestler Darrion Caldwell was on the front page of GoPack.com (second story). Context is overrated.

Roy Williams Roamed Franklin Street In Costume This Halloween

As Dilbert.

 

UNC vs. East Carolina: What You Really Need To Know

Forget the stats. Forget the past results. Here are a few facts* that will really decides Butch Davis’ road opener against East Carolina:

• Since being hired to ECU, Skip Holtz (son of Lou Holtz) has really taken this whole “pirate” thing to a new level. Combine that with a hereditary speech impediment and the only thing he can say these days is “ARRRRRGH!”.

Yes, that is parrot poo on his shoulder.

 

• This makes the playbook very confusing; every play is “Arrrrgh.” The only way to tell plays apart in the huddle is by the length of the R. For example, a “Power I triple option right” is “Argh”, while a shotgun wide receiver screen is “Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.” Expect the UNC defensive line to pick up on that quickly.
• The ECU defense is anchored by former UNC “mutineers” Khalif Mitchell and Marcus Hands, allowed only one offensive touchdown in their opener at Virginia Tech. Sure, Mitchell may be a talented defensive lineman who could be suiting up for us right now. But can you look me straight in the eye and say that he won’t lose to Marvin Austin in an eating contest? I think not.
• To guarantee that the refs will keep the game fair, all of Pitt County has banned the sale of burritos for the next 72 hours. That way, neither team will be subjected to this and have a player collapse in the middle of a kick return.

• Greenville, NC is the BMX capital of the world, where the likes of Dave Mirra and Ryan Nyquist have taken residence. This will become the ultimate home field advantage for the Pirates, who play every second half this season on a Big Air Ramp.
• By the time we’ve left Greeenville, ECU will look like a hurricane hit the place.**

Subtropical Storm? C’mon man, why do have to downplay everything?

 

So when Patrick Pinkney slides 70 yards for a touchdown only to break 20 bones in the ensuing celebration, you, the smart fan, will know exactly what’s going on.

*These “facts” haven’t been proved, but they haven’t been disproved, either.

**There’s a pretty good chance that Gabrielle is going to pass through Greenville this weekend. Seriously.

Steve Wojciechowski Enjoying Offseason As a Part Time Veterinarian

As an alum and a die-hard fan of North Carolina, I will blindly root against any of Duke’s on-court or on-field activities. But even I have to admit, the Dookies are model citizens off the court.

Take the example of Duke assistant coach and former point guard Steve Wojciechowski. After the Blue Devil’s down year and early exit from the tournament, I would have forgiven him if went to the film room, poring over game films to find out what went wrong. He could have gone on the recruiting trail to find new players to rebuild his proud program. Hell, he could have vented his frustrations out smashing an inanimate object. But being the model citizen that he is, Wojo decided to begin his offseason by giving back to his community. Less than a week after the heartbreaking loss to VCU, Wojo was in a veterinary clinic for exotic pets in Raleigh, North Carolina, working several shifts and taking care of various animals rarely seen on Earth. We have manged to obtain two photos of his volunteer work.

Here, we see Steve Wojciechowski providing a routine checkup to Rodrigo, a young bull. Since the vet staff complained of his constipation, Wojo is checking for colon polyps. Rodrigo doesn’t seem to mind.

In this picture, Wojo is in the middle of a delicate procedure, using sterile plastic tweezers to remove a brain tumor from the head of a giant parrot. The parrot has been briefly incapacitated by watching a “Flavor of Love” marathon while Wojciechowski removes the tumor without causing any pain.

In an era of cynicism toward athletes, it’s nice to see when an sports figure has a direct positive impact on others. Even if it’s a Dookie.